The Arabs would be the venerable, schizophrenic and impotent patriarch.
Iran would be the ageless, beautiful but bitter bride, constantly scheming and harlotting where she can.
The Turks would be the valiant general with whom Iran has carrying on with for the past millennia shortly after her Arabian rape.
Pakistan would be the 20-something sub-altern to the general desperately trying to win the respect of the Patriarch and love of the Bride; to the amusement of all 3.
The Afghans would be the angry teenage chowkidar (gatekeeper) pushed around by the sub-altern after he’s been slapped around.
The Kurds and Berbers would be the angry adopted kids constantly plotting to break up the House but never really getting anywhere except for minor victories. They win a bedroom here and there but they aren’t able to make their own house; no funds, no love, no real friends.
The Indians & Bangladeshis would be the next neighbours over wondering why the sub-altern prefers to be a servant in that house rather than a friend in theirs.
The rest (Malays, Africans) are distant cousins who come over once a year for an Eid reunion and visit the ailing Patriarch.
Someone should make a comic strip about the Ummah; I’m sure it’ll be a blast, no pun intended..